Apologies of the Black Man, tears to his Broken Woman

“Angelic dark cocoa black girl, I bow before you in your heavenly presence, my bent back twisted and stretched across the eternity of pain I have caused you. The treacherous slope of wicked lines lashed against my forehead as I frown to raise my eyes, to meet your mercy and your ivory golden gates of kingdom come. I can afford you one gift, my dark cocoa ivory Nubian princess my hidden truth, if I may – I am sorry, I’m so sorry and indeed I will repent if you will but lend me your ear –

I will tell you my truth angelic black woman, can I be vulnerable with you if only for a miniscule moment in our intertwined histories – I don’t know what love is, it is blind to me, like the invisible charcoal Smokey acidic cloak, that laughs at humanity and blinds my brown dark eyes.  For I was never shown love, but rather, my experience of love, was with conditions, love with silver black metallic clanging chains and agony. 

I’ve never truly known a mother’s love, a father’s love, everything has been circular and unforgiving like the violent green bubbles of death that now chokes me and sits on my broken black back. The dirty, smothering air and my identity, everything is in purple chains, idolatrous rhythms of hot wet white milky ropes intertwined with the rape of my spirit and sanity, blessed and adorned with soft cries of agony.

In the presence of the god of Judah, I confess you are the most beautiful ebony Angelic girl with soft silky magnetic wings, eyes of velvety green milk and honey and feet like the soft cotton buds of an electric rainbow. 

Angelic black girl, I’m so sorry for disappointing you, and not giving you what you needed to feel whole. I’m sorry I lied and didn’t appreciate the beautiful mahogany woman and god given vessel you are, I’m sorry I can’t give you the love, that I don’t have, I’m sorry for all the disappointments and lies. I’m sorry, I robbed your innocence as I watched the innocence disappear from your eyes, I’m sorry for not being everything you wanted in life, I’m sorry for being insecure and afraid to trust you with my truth. And I echo from the hinges of my hell on earth, I’m sorry from every man and everything that has ever caused you hurt. 

Yes, this black skin etched onto my silver bones is hot, yes it speaks centuries of truth, yes it adorns me with black love and hope. But I’m a liar because I don’t want to face my reality, I’m a liar because I’m too afraid to love you for fear of being hurt and rejected, I’m a liar because I refuse to look in the mirror at who I really am. I’m broken into a million lost floating volcanic pieces and fragments; I’m not living but existing as chimera of who my divine wanted me to be.  I’m sorry for not being whole for you to love me back. I am in a twenty thousand floating gold hot pieces and I am too looking across the red desert with the bitter, dripping scent of defeat on my violent rouge lips.

 I promise that I love you, and I’ll love you in the next life. There is a warm golden yellow undefinable heat over my head, like the confused and stuttering lukewarm sun and it’s comforting…it is from above …

Oh Perfect angelic black girl, I’m sorry for making you feel this way as you read these chaotic lines, and it penetrates your spirit as the awkward chilling sweat dribbles down your moist palms, I know your heart is heavy, and you have not the capacity to handle anyone else’s burdens, I just need for you to hear me if that is okay, if only for a miniscule moment in our intertwined histories. 

Angelic girl, divine spirit, my final message to you if you will but lend me your ear again: release yourself from the burden of your anger, forgive us black men for disappointing and lying to you, and forgive yourself for being vulnerable, when it is all said and done I am truly sorry.”

 End

Poet: Emmanuel Boateng

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